Schidduchim article

I need somewhere to vent about this, so forgive me. I saw this article because I read a blog called Rebbetzin's Husband (it's good).

http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/purim-and-the-tyranny-of-beauty-a-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/19/

This is exactly the same thing my husband was going through before and during my relationship with him. His mother set up profiles on JDate based on what she wanted for him (not based on him), sent him resumes from Chabadnik women looking for learning husbands (he is far from that) . . . recently, my mother-in-law told me her first impression of me was that I had poise, but needed sunscreen and lotion for my complexion. What a negative way to see someone (and I was just his friend).

Living in a very small Jewish community, I am not honestly sure how my children will pair off - I have my hopes, but I am also inclined to let them do what they will do, especially after the heavy handedness of my own relationship/marriage. His parents completely disavow their past pre-Orthodox Judaism and tried their best to solidify his place in Jewish culture but he hated how they did it. It's hard to imagine these young men and women appreciating this process, though I know a few people that went through it successfully.

I guess I just have a really hard time with what people are doing trying to preserve Jew to Jew relationships. I understand it, but it really does reduce the individual to "just a number." (My husband's main criticism of living in Orthodox communities.)

Wow, that woman sure does put a LOT of value on appearances. I sure hope she doesn't push her son to marry a beautiful woman who is not a nice person and who will not make him happy. I've come across such women and have wondered if they developed such nasty personalities precisely because so many people treated them as special due to their good looks. And I do have a few single never-married female friends who are in their 50's and whom I do believe have had trouble attracting men because they are not attractive. I don't think they have even had much luck in simply dating, let alone being in a serious relationship.

The mother who wrote the blog would be very critical of how my daughter dresses and presents herself---besides the fact that she has improper yichus and is not from a frum enough family---she does not wear any make-up and prefers such plain non-frilly clothes that more than once people have assumed that she was a Lesbian. But she is smart and funny (and reasonably attractive) and has had a number of boys who have been interested in her, so I'm not worried. Frankly, my daughter despises people who judge others on superficial aspects such as physical attractiveness, so she has no desire to attract that sort of boy.

Your daughter sounds great Debbie. May she find much happiness and the perfect match one day :)

An article about a related issue of female "modesty" which starts with a vignette about match-making and scrutinizing the prospective bride on appearance details---in this case whether she "properly" covers her legs:
Tablet: "Tights Squeeze"

Here is a nice SANE and well thought out response to the above:
Frum Bridalplasty? On Shidduch Dating and Bean Counting

We now know that my daughter will be heading off to Brandeis for college next fall. She'll have plenty of opportunities to meet boys (of which 55% of them will be Jewish) in her classes, dorm, and extra-curricular events (such as attending Shabbat and Yom Tov services). As R. Faber points out, this is a much better way for young people to find potential spouses. (Hey, it worked for me---we celebrate our 25th anniversary this June, and my nerdy husband recently informed me that we just passed the "billionth second" mark from when we first met over 31 years ago And come to think of it, both my parents and my husband's parents met in college too.)

I met my husband at a medieval re-enactment. So, immediately, we had a hobby in common (and an interest too--history).

Personally, I would have never let my mother pick someone out for me, or let myself be picked out by someone else's mother. My mother didn't like my husband when she first met him, so imagine how things would have gone if she had been in charge!

Debbie B. -- I'll be in the Boston area for college too! I'm incredibly excited that there are SO many synagogues. I started doing a bit of Google mapping -- everything including Modern Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Hasidic, Reconstructionist, Humanist, and Jewish Renewal. And my college's Hillel has their own Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform services as well (the Conservative students also frequently walk to a nearby unaffiliated synagogue -- according to their website they're traditionally observant but they have both traditional/mechitza and egalitarian services.) I don't plan on starting any sort of conversion process in my first (and maybe second) year of college, mostly because I don't think that's a good idea while I'm still settling in and adjusting to being about 1500 miles from home, but still -- way more Jewish things than my hometown, that's for sure!