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maculated

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PostSubject: Support for the disowned?   Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:56 pm

Yeah, in the ongoing saga that is my life - my fiancee's Orthodox parents officially disowned him when he told them we'd set a date last week. For obvious reasons, he's not taking it well. He really didn't think they'd come to that. He is in need of talking to people in the same situation - everyone telling him to forget them is not what he needs to hear right now.

In another note, it's awesome to be the party that caused this disowning because I'm a dirty shiksa. But not. Yup. Talk about feeling really mixed about being Jewish lately. Planning a very traditional Jewish wedding and displeasing my parents by doing it while being disowned for putting on a "carnival" and killing the Jewish spark inside my fiancee is awesome.
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rakhel



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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Sun Sep 11, 2011 12:15 am

It's it wonderful how some parents just love their children?
Wish I knew how to help or even what to day.
I'm sure you don't want to here "it could be worse," or even "'It'll get better."


Well, maybe(treading lightly. Don't shoot me, please.) you won't have to spend so much on the wedding, now???
I understand marriages are supposed to be happy ones. And they are done in front of people you love and want to share this wondrous occasion with. But...I could say it is their lose(forgive my spelling), but I also know that won't make you, or him, feel better.

All I can say is give it time. Some times parents just need time to understand or to even regret the decision they made. No one said being a convert was going to be easy.
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rakhel



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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Sun Sep 11, 2011 12:20 am

I feel the need to ask.

He's not a Cohen, by chance is he?
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Sun Sep 11, 2011 1:19 am

Nope. I'm just not an Orthodox convert. Long story there.
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Dena

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Sun Sep 11, 2011 4:32 pm

I have never been in that sort of situation. I can imagine it must be difficult for both of you. How does the rest of his family feel? As in, grandparents, siblings, etc?
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Sun Sep 11, 2011 9:20 pm

He's an only child with both sets of grandparents long dead (old parents). Well, these parents of his actually kind of disowned their other relatives, but they're supportive. Of course, when you grow up and don't spend any time with them, it's not much solace. I hope he'll take time to get to know them.
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Dena

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:12 am

You've both been put in a terrible position. Hopefully in time, his parents will relax. In the meantime, perhaps this will give him a chance to build a relationship with other members of his family.
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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:03 pm

maculated, I'm wondering how things are going for you guys? Any improvement with either set of families?
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:09 pm

Sort of? His mom is sending him forwards with super fruit info and his dad called him erev Shabbat and gave him his son blessing, berating him afterwards and telling him it was from a loving place. So I guess he's not disowned . . . yet.

My parents, nah . . . but my mom got so into this wedding stuff she started doing things on her own (forget Jewish thing, think invites and stuff), so I am kind of just giving up trying to please her.
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:10 pm

Thanks for you concern. :)
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Bee

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:19 am

Hope things have improved and the family has gotten over it, seeing that it is the holidays and all. My heart goes out to you and your fiancee.
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:23 am

They won't get over it.
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Bee

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:39 am

Your situation is tragic.:-(
When I got married my dad disowned me too. Our situation was cultural and not religious...it took him two years to speak to me and now 16 years for my inlaws to accept me. The first 3 years of our marriage was hell, I could deal with separation better than hubby, but his family meant more to him than our marriage so he had a dual life. I compare his family and their closeness tighter than the mafia. But he eventually had to let go and show his parents he loved me and I made him happy...they did not buy it. These two years I have been getting Xmas cards from her..I had them checked for anthrax. My husband told them that we are going to try to have a child and if they want to be part of our child's life they have to be part of mine. So now they are hopeful that I conceive and allow them in our lives.(only with armed guards!)


Last edited by Bee on Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:42 am

Wow, Bee. Wow. I'm glad to hear it that you guys are making it through anyway. He's having a rough time of it (especially with the holidays) and it makes me wonder if some day he will resent the choice of me vs them. He says the guilt of displeasing them kills him.
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Bee

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 3:08 am

I am being honest when I say it will come up. Many times through out our early years I felt that resentment...me towards him and especially him towards me. Two years into our marriage I asked him enough is enough..its either me or his family...I was tired of feeling hated. He chose his family, so I packed up and moved to my mothers. He later decided that he wants our marriage. Fast forward ten years (6years ago) again they came between us and they gave my hubby an ultimatum. We were.going to.get a divorce because the family still felt I was keeping.them apart...good.grief these people when I stood up to them motherinlaw faked a heart attack and to this day hate me.for putting their mother in the hospital. Despite nothing was wrong with her...she had.the nerve to request an ambulance!!! Now almost 17 years of marriage this December, our marriage is strong and our faith is strong, he was worth the fight and he tells me everyday (almost) how grateful he is that I stood by him despite all his baggage. It's a long road and it may be as hard for you, but your husband is grieving and torn in two. I am sure they will in time accept you and it takes a strong woman to endure, but his love for you will be enough to get you through this also. Hang in there.
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 1:20 pm

Thanks, Bee. You're very candid and I appreciate that. I'm not kidding myself that it will be stars and roses (wedding day, day we announce we have a kid, etc, etc), but we seem to have made it this far and it's based in a deep friendship (relationship came after ten years) so I have reason to believe that I'll follow your path.

Thank you. <3. Shana tovah.
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Mychal

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:24 pm

There's a reason why the Bible says that a man is to leave his family and cleave unto his wife and vice versa; too many cooks spoil the soup. If you have two sets of in-laws and both adults trying to all have an opinion about one household or how to raise the kids, the odds are, everything will turn out worse than if you just have the two adults trying to take care of everything (even then, coming to a consensus is not easy).

Right now, just hope that time will heal this wound. My mother didn't like my husband at first, and she said some ugly things that scarred our relationship permanently, but she's mostly over it. No, the scars won't go away, but we still have a relationship (although now that I'm converting, there might be more difficulties and more scars).

Your husband-to-be just needs to be consistent in regards to you. As long as he shows consistent, unwavering support of you to them (and you do likewise with your family), life will be easier for both of you, and things will typically settle down sooner. Just like when dealing with kids, you have to show a united front and not capitulate. They smell weakness and attack.
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geekima



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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Mar 11, 2013 8:07 pm

Big, big hugs!

I can only hope that your in-laws' hearts soften with time. The fact that his father is still calling him Erev Shabbos is a good sign. It could be that they think their disapproval will make him change his mind and once the wedding is over and they realize it is only losing them a relationship with both of you, they will reconsider.

I think my situation was the opposite of yours. When my husband and I married, his Chassidic family embraced me. They loved me even before I decided to convert and it was partially their love and acceptance that made me consider conversion. It was my own family that disowned me. A big part of it was that I wanted to be religious at all and it turned out that my father had some antisemitism that he was hiding while we were dating, but once we set a date to marry, he would have nothing to do with his daughter marrying a Jew. We had a very small, secular wedding and my husband's family came and were happy to support us.

Since then, they've relaxed a little. My father still doesn't speak to me much and my mother simply pretends it never happened. We've learned to limit their role in our life without returning their anger. It helps to think of it as a sickness that has nothing to do with you or your relationship with your fiance/husband.

It has only made us closer as a couple.
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Mar 11, 2013 8:15 pm

Geekima,

This was quite an old thread, but I appreciate your response.

Everything you said has actually come to pass: his parents have completed a home they built in Israel and are looking for him and I (very specifically) to come visit them. They email me on occasion about this and that and he has a multi-days a week phone conversation with them.

Nobody has brought up what they did, and I told him that if we do make a trip to Israel to visit, despite everyone in his family being averse to confrontation, there really needs to be some kind of understanding about what happened -- I don't do fake nice-nice very well.

<3. I am glad you are both well, too.
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geekima



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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Mar 11, 2013 8:33 pm

I can understand not wanting to simply pretend that nothing happened. It seems like your husband's family and mine follow the same playbook. ;)

For us, it simply isn't worth it to try to confront them. I know from past experience, it won't do much good and won't help the relationship. In other families, it might be worth the conflict and might lead to the first steps of really repairing the relationship, rather than just maintaining a nice surface. I know, from offhand comments my mother still makes, that my parents still harbor resentment, but I see that as their issue to deal with, or not, as they will. My coping strategy is to reinforce healthy boundaries with them, but it's always a challenge.
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maculated

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PostSubject: Re: Support for the disowned?   Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:53 pm

I think the key there is that it's you dealing with your parents. I think my husband could do the same, but in my family, you SAY what you think so you can move on. Without that, I can't pretend to enjoy their presence in my life.
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