I loved the following statement from
this thread...
- FaustianSlip wrote:
That kind of stuff is a terrible chillul Hashem, not just for the Orthodox community, but for Judaism in general. If I were a rabbi who emotionally beat one of my conversion candidates into abandoning the process, I wouldn't be so quick to congratulate myself; what kind of things is that person going to have to say about Judaism and Jews after being jerked around for months or years by the religious community? Probably nothing good.
So I decided to start a new one (in order not to derail the original topic).
I first approached a Reform rabbi when I was 15 to inquire about conversion. He flat out said that I was too young to make such a serious change...and that was the end of that. In retrospect, he may have been right. But I also feel that he could have been a bit more open-ended in his response (such as referring some books to me...or something).
When I was in college, conversion was sort of a non-issue...in that 1) the Hillel House was very welcoming, regardless of the fact that I wasn't formally converted and 2) the Hillel did not have a good relationship with the rabbi of the local congregation, so I had no desire to approach her regarding conversion.
Later, after college, the Reform congregations I investigated were all very welcoming, even encouraging towards converts. However southeast FL is such a transient, international community...they were just addressing a very real need (which was a lot of Jews from the Northeast who were retired and widowed...and looking to remarry...often non-Jewish Latin Americans). I myself was one of the very few Reform converts that I came across that was converting, but not in a romantic relationship with a Jew.
As an adult, I don't remember any "pushing away" in regards to conversion. There was a bit of "warning"; in that I would need to give up all Christian observances and that I would be expected to be active in the congregation...but no outright rejection.
However my Orthodox conversion was a whole different story. I was first screened by some Orthodox Jewish members of the kiruv (outreach) community. After a few Shabbos meals, I was referred to their rabbi. To my surprise, he declined to work with me altogether...no reasons given. However the people who referred me were not surprised. They simply advised that he had bad experiences with converts before, and that if I really wanted to be taken seriously as a conversion candidate, then I should move into the Jewish community.
Well I wasn't planning on doing that any time soon. However, the opportunity actually did arise for me to move...a few months later. But the community that I moved into was not the same as the one of my aforementioned friends. I was referred to a rabbi in my new community. I spoke to him on the phone, and he agreed to meet with me. However he did not disclose that he was pretty sick; currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments. Then he was in a car accident. From that point on, his wife and other members of the congregation encouraged me not to bother him. So that was the end of that.
Friends of mine in NYC suggested another rabbi that had relocated to FL. The reason being, is that there were several converts in his congregation already. But our phone conversation didn't go so well. He said to me, in a nutshell, that "he's not telling me 'yes'; but he's not saying 'no' either". Well what was that supposed to mean? I call him back in a week? A month? I don't do well with double talk....so I did not progress any further with that rabbi.
At this point, I should explain my living situation at the time. I was in an Orthodox Jewish community; living and working. There were 8...maybe 9 Orthodox shuls in the vicinity. I did Shabbos every week and would often just "follow" my host family (so if a family invited me for Shabbos, I would just attend whatever shul they went to). I knew that this wasn't ideal....as far as visibility to the rabbis. But I also felt that as a woman, they weren't really paying attention to my side of the mechitza anyway (for example, the previous rabbi was totally unaware that I had ever gone to his shul for services).
Ok, so I befriended a great Orthodox family. They encouraged to speak to their rabbi. They called him one motzei Shabbos (right after Shabbos) to vouch for me. I then met with him, and he was very kind and encouraging from the start. He laid out a plan for me, and had only one warning for me; Jewish living and learning can be taxing on your time and finances. In this aspect, he was very much like the Reform rabbis I approached about conversion. However, I did have strong references this time...and he did recognize me from the community.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance to convert with this rabbi. I moved, and my new rabbi was hired by the congregation a few months after I started attending. Because some key members told him that I needed to take care of my conversion, he never gave me a hard time...and was only helpful. However the Beis Din (based in a nearby city) was a different story. In spite of my previous references from other rabbis...they wanted me to start over from scratch (1-2 years of studying). So although they didn't reject me....they sort of did.
Over the course of the next 3 years, I had a series of meetings wit the Beis Din, and them "reviewing my case" and then telling me something was lacking, and that they would set up an appointment to meet up with me again. There was usually a 6 to 9 month wait between these appointments.
It is hard for me to say that the meetings with the Beis Din where they said "no" was their way of fulfilling the 'halachaic' requirement of pushing the convert away...or if they really felt I needed more time. My biggest issue is that they would find issues with things that I thought were non-issues. For example, in the Spring of 2009, they said that I need to learn. So I started learning with my rabbi both one-on-one and in community shirum (classes). However in the Winter of 2009, they said that was not acceptable, and I would need to learn with a mentor approved by them.
Even in the last Beit Din meeting before my conversion, I felt that they were pretty much examining the reasons why I wouldn't be successful as a Jew, and figuring out how much of an issue it would be ultimately. They also told me that they really should have a "conversion program" and it is a shame that there was not one in place for me. One rabbi also remarked that it would be difficult for me to get married, and if I was willing to accept that. But I also know that several people were calling them and talking to them...asking about me and what the hold up was. So in a nutshell, I got the feeling that I was converted reluctantly...at best.
In spite of what I wrote, I am fully on board with conversions to Orthodox Judaism being demanding in the aspects of moving into the community, learning Hebrew, learning halacha, and showing a general affinity for Judaism. However outside of that, any more discouragement is superfluous. This requirements present enough difficulty without all of the reluctance and discouragement that comes from the rabbis and other members of the Jewish community.
So what was the experience of all of you? Were you formally rejected? If so, how many times? Also what was the nature of the rejection?