Involving your Christian relatives in a wedding

So my fiancee' have set the date for our wedding: December 11. We are set on a very, very traditional wedding format from Arfruf to Kabbalat Panim to Orthodox Ketubah, etc, etc.

My family keeps hinting that they'll feel ostracized by this and would appreciate some kind of homage to their traditions but I am at a loss. Unity candle? Irish music? I'm part Irish, part Polish, and Part Lithuanian.

::shrug::

Unfortunately, they are very . . . weird about everything. They resent that I converted but at the same time accept it. It's totally up to me. They don't like a single thing about having a Jewish wedding so it's not really what they'll miss but what I can do to make them feel comfortable.

They might change their mind about Jewish weddings when the reception gets started, complete with alcohol and dancing. You can certainly have a traditional father/daughter dance, a "normal" wedding cake and cutting, and whatever music you want (including Irish reels and jigs and other good-to-dance-to music).

Tell your mother that you want her to provide you with your something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. That'll be a tradition that she feels comfortable with, and it will give her something to do.

See if the rabbi will translate everything he says in Hebrew into English as well, so your family doesn't miss the meaning of anything. In the alternative, provide a program with the entire service on it, including English translations of the Hebrew, so they can keep up with what's going on. This is also a good place to explain what the huppah and glass breaking signify.

I think your family will be a little surprised to find out that Jewish weddings are not that different from any other wedding, and that the symbolism is interesting and meaningful, not just "weird."

Thanks, Mychal. Good thoughts all around. :) I think, as time goes on, that' it's not just the Jewish aspect but the fact that we're not being traditional at all (Wedding pie contest, anyone) and that's freaking them out. Glad it's not part of "the Jewish divide" as I like to call it.

Our officiant (won't yet be a rabbi) is planning on explaining it all and I'll have a fun program, so I think we'll be okay.

<3

Good thing its your wedding! Remember that...go bridezilla

Are you having the wedding on the coast or up north? We are from Sacramento, but my hubby and I grew up in the central valley. Oh how I miss the smells of the plum orchards and the vineyards. Our house was across a log mill and early morning winds smelled like pines.

We're on the coast - San Luis Obispo. Ours is more like vineyards and oaks. :)

Sooo homesick! It's been a year since I been in Cali. When I was in high school me and some friends would ditch school and ride to san Luis obispo or Santa Cruz...youth is wasted on the young! Pacific coast high way is breath taking. Last year the roads were under constuction past Half Moon Bay...did they get the road done yet?

They did! :) I can't take that drive. Get soooooooooo antsy.

Lol. Despite all your challenges, its all about you and the man of your dreams. At the end of the day, really its all that matters. Wedding planning makes little things a hurdle, and family issues unbearable. Just take deep breaths, and it will be over too soon and it will subside. Your families love you and think they know what's best.. of course they don't always know but their issues stem from fear of loss. It's your new beginning, and this will pass. I pray that your journey is a fruitful one, marriage takes a lot of work, but it is a journey you are not taking alone. Congratulations and I would love to hear your wedding event details!

I had a medieval wedding. While my family didn't have a problem with it (and all of them dressed up), my husband's family was pretty turned off by it (none of them dressed up). As the old saying goes, you can't please all of the people all of the time. At least on my side of the family it went down as the best, most interesting wedding anyone had ever been to. And since my husband and I were paying for all of it ourselves, it helped that it was as cheap as you could get for a wedding with 100 invitees.

That's awesome. :) And brave!

I had a Vegas one ;-)
Ps. Only 5 guests. On my side my sister, who came only to stop my wedding. My mother in law to do the same....2 sisterinlaws and one of their boyfriends who came in support. Oh and chunky Elvis!! Heheeeheee.17 years later my marriage has out lasted my parents and now my father is like my hubby's bff. He even calls only to talk to the son he never had...he had all girls so...all that protest only to loose valuable time..he grew to love my husband.

We got close the other day. :)

It is always a fun option, but would add insult to injury in your families opinion because even if they complain about your marriage they will complain you got married without giving them a wedding . Sometimes you just can't win, but like our friend here said ..you can't please everyone. But it does pass, in our case anyways. I hope you are encouraged by friends or family and I hope that someone who has had the same situation can give you some pointers. I love my husband and would do it all over again, tears and all. Blessings to you and you husband. Don't worry about making your Christian, Irish, or Jewish families happy and comfortable, that's too much pressure on your relationship, they are not there to get their wishes fulfilled but to be part of yours. They had their wedding, have yours as you see fit.

Yeah, that I'm aware of. As my fiancee' says - having a real wedding will give it legitimacy to everyone, too. His parents (should they decide to look at photos) will see it was a Jewish wedding and shut up about our "carnival fiasco."

What does "carnival fiasco" mean? I don't know much about Jewish weddings, are they saying your wedding is comical or is your wedding theme a carnival? Sorry for not understanding that term, if it is a carnival theme I would definitely think thats genius!

Well, no, they think that him having a "Jewish wedding" is a carnival and nothing more because I am a big ol horrible shiksa.

It doesn't really have a theme, but . . . it's gonna be kind of similar. Very traditional Jewish wedding, very big party with friends playing accordions, a pie baking contest as the dessert, local Santa Maria style BBQ (having to order meat from Teva directly will be interesting), etc. If it's still raging when we have to leave, there's a cool bar next door to the venue. It's not that they think is a carnival. They wouldn't know. The carnival is that I'm Jewish at all.

Weeee!!! Cue the clowns!

Yikes! Ok I get it. I will look up Jewish weddings, they sound fun. I read some where that a married couple who is converting have to get remarried. I would love to have a Jewish wedding since we didn't have one.

Yeah, otherwise your wedding doesn't count.

There's a lot of richness to it, very deep. When ever I went to friends' weddings, long before converting, I always said I wanted a Jewish wedding. It's both very traditional and meaningful, and awesome fun (once the glass is broken!)

I don't have the actual program done, but here's the developing site. . . http://www.wix.com/maculated/mcnawitz

The photo will be replaced with a new one when a friend does a shoot for us on Mon. :) Though that one is so totally us.

A couple can only be Jewishly wed if both are Jewish, so we had a small Jewish wedding after I converted. It was held on the 22nd anniversary of the Jewish date of our original secular wedding. And the interesting thing is that this was not planned. In fact, we had tried to schedule it for the day before since then our son would not have left for summer camp. But THREE different things forced it to be done the next day. (Divine intervention? It really felt like it was supposed to be held on the same day to symbolize the continuity of our marriage.)

Traditional Jewish weddings have lots of meaningful symbolism and there are seven traditional blessings ("Sheva brachot") with one that is known and sung by all at a traditional wedding (and also in the Birkat Hamazon after the wedding meal and for the series of parties for the whole following week that traditional communities have for the bride and groom). We did not have a minyan for our Jewish wedding, so all seven blessings could not be said, but my sponsoring rabbi did sing the main blessing and I did feel that I was truly being "blessed".

maculated wrote:

I don't have the actual program done, but here's the developing site. . . http://www.wix.com/maculated/mcnawitz

The photo will be replaced with a new one when a friend does a shoot for us on Mon. :) Though that one is so totally us.

aaaah how cute are you two!! you guys seem to love life and each other, very blessed :-D